blah-ishness
May. 23rd, 2003 05:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancingyelramble alert. lots of rambling ahead.
so i'm feeling dissatisfied, if that's even a word. i'm not even sure what's wrong...i guess i'm just down on people and the world in general. greg, if you're reading this, i'm sorry i just left ffs like that. i had a moment where i just had to get out of there, and i remembered that i promised to hang out with you, but at that point, i was at home already, and really didn't want to go back to the rec gym. so yeah, sorry about that. but anyhow...i guess i've been feeling a bit off all week, and it was better some days than others, but i've been generally moody, and it hasn't been good. i just feel so useless in the world. like, what am i doing by being here? am i making any sort of difference? would it matter if i weren't here at all? who would care? i know i've gone through these phases before, but i guess it never really gets resolved in my mind. when i'm not thinking about stuff, i feel better, but i can't not think about it all the time. it just comes back.
on a funny note: we were talking yesterday in psych about people providing support, and the findings are that men benefit from marriage and women don't. that is, married men are healthier and happier than their single counterparts, while it makes no difference for women. and then there was an experiment done with people giving a speech to a supportive or non-supportive male or female, and they found that subjects' blood pressure went down when they gave the speech to a supportive rather than a non-supportive woman, but it went up with supportive versus non-supportive men. so apparently, men showing support is scary and detrimental. the conclusion of the class was that men suck, and the ta's conclusion was that no matter what gender you are, you should marry a woman. after this, cin was rather perplexed, trying to figure out how that would work, and the best solution we could come up with was that people should live in triads with one man and two women. yes. it was rather entertaining.
so back to my own rambling...i was talking to my mom a couple of days ago, and we were saying that it's sad, but the groups whose values are most similar to mine are those who are separated from me by religion. i mean, i fit in fairly well with the navs people, who are christian, and my values are more similar to conservative or orthodox jews, who might as well be a different religion, for my level of observance. so yes. it's sad. i guess i just need to find individuals, and that takes a lot of time and a lot of luck, too. i am realizing yet again how spoiled i am by my high school friends. cindy and nikki, you two are the best. and i love my friends here, but i just don't fit in to any one group, and that's a bit difficult after high school.
the other thing i was thinking about was how i have love/hate relationships with just about all the major activities in my life. there's always that feeling with dance, because i love dancing, but i hardly ever feel good enough, and i hate the feeling of inadequacy that i get from it. i don't quite fit in with most of the dancers, especially the people on comp, and i feel very separated and i ahte it. but i love dancing in general, and refuse to let this get in the way. and being on demo makes it easier, because i don't feel so horrid, and i really enjoy hanging out with laurie and emily. you girls have made dancing really great...i know i wouldn't have enjoyed the team nearly this much without the two of you. and then there's the love/hate relationship with massage, which i mostly love, but i can't stand doing legs with barbara's class, and that leads me to realize that i don't really like how she teaches the basics. i mean, she's great at the different techniques and stuff, but i don't like the mindset so much...but i like massage enough that i keep ta-ing for her, because it's the only way i get to practice massage here. so that's a duality, too. and in high school, i always had the same type of feelings about volleyball and band...loved doing both, but never felt i was good enough and hated certain aspects of it. sam says that i'm weird because most people either like the activity so much, they get over the part they hate and stop hating it, or they hate the part enough that they stop doing the activity...but i like the activity and keep doing it, yet still hate the thing i hate, if that makes any sense. perhaps i am weird. oh, well.
ok, i think i shall go now. enough of this insane rambling. i feel better having written.
so i'm feeling dissatisfied, if that's even a word. i'm not even sure what's wrong...i guess i'm just down on people and the world in general. greg, if you're reading this, i'm sorry i just left ffs like that. i had a moment where i just had to get out of there, and i remembered that i promised to hang out with you, but at that point, i was at home already, and really didn't want to go back to the rec gym. so yeah, sorry about that. but anyhow...i guess i've been feeling a bit off all week, and it was better some days than others, but i've been generally moody, and it hasn't been good. i just feel so useless in the world. like, what am i doing by being here? am i making any sort of difference? would it matter if i weren't here at all? who would care? i know i've gone through these phases before, but i guess it never really gets resolved in my mind. when i'm not thinking about stuff, i feel better, but i can't not think about it all the time. it just comes back.
on a funny note: we were talking yesterday in psych about people providing support, and the findings are that men benefit from marriage and women don't. that is, married men are healthier and happier than their single counterparts, while it makes no difference for women. and then there was an experiment done with people giving a speech to a supportive or non-supportive male or female, and they found that subjects' blood pressure went down when they gave the speech to a supportive rather than a non-supportive woman, but it went up with supportive versus non-supportive men. so apparently, men showing support is scary and detrimental. the conclusion of the class was that men suck, and the ta's conclusion was that no matter what gender you are, you should marry a woman. after this, cin was rather perplexed, trying to figure out how that would work, and the best solution we could come up with was that people should live in triads with one man and two women. yes. it was rather entertaining.
so back to my own rambling...i was talking to my mom a couple of days ago, and we were saying that it's sad, but the groups whose values are most similar to mine are those who are separated from me by religion. i mean, i fit in fairly well with the navs people, who are christian, and my values are more similar to conservative or orthodox jews, who might as well be a different religion, for my level of observance. so yes. it's sad. i guess i just need to find individuals, and that takes a lot of time and a lot of luck, too. i am realizing yet again how spoiled i am by my high school friends. cindy and nikki, you two are the best. and i love my friends here, but i just don't fit in to any one group, and that's a bit difficult after high school.
the other thing i was thinking about was how i have love/hate relationships with just about all the major activities in my life. there's always that feeling with dance, because i love dancing, but i hardly ever feel good enough, and i hate the feeling of inadequacy that i get from it. i don't quite fit in with most of the dancers, especially the people on comp, and i feel very separated and i ahte it. but i love dancing in general, and refuse to let this get in the way. and being on demo makes it easier, because i don't feel so horrid, and i really enjoy hanging out with laurie and emily. you girls have made dancing really great...i know i wouldn't have enjoyed the team nearly this much without the two of you. and then there's the love/hate relationship with massage, which i mostly love, but i can't stand doing legs with barbara's class, and that leads me to realize that i don't really like how she teaches the basics. i mean, she's great at the different techniques and stuff, but i don't like the mindset so much...but i like massage enough that i keep ta-ing for her, because it's the only way i get to practice massage here. so that's a duality, too. and in high school, i always had the same type of feelings about volleyball and band...loved doing both, but never felt i was good enough and hated certain aspects of it. sam says that i'm weird because most people either like the activity so much, they get over the part they hate and stop hating it, or they hate the part enough that they stop doing the activity...but i like the activity and keep doing it, yet still hate the thing i hate, if that makes any sense. perhaps i am weird. oh, well.
ok, i think i shall go now. enough of this insane rambling. i feel better having written.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
your emoticons all look about the same...just diff degrees of angst
Date: 2003-05-23 06:17 pm (UTC)but yeah, i know what you mean about v-ball and well, choir for me, and dancing to a point. i think i felt a lot more that way about dancing at arthur murray (yay for memories dredged up by old journals) and after the whole team thing last year, i think it's almost easier for me to wean myself from dancing...because i know i'll never amount to anything dance-wise, so club is about all i'll ever do and even watching the showcase and going to the big comps is just heart-wrenching. yeah.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-25 12:40 am (UTC){{{{{hugz}}}}}}}
Date: 2003-05-28 01:18 am (UTC)i have a lot that i could say, and yet i know that it'll be difficult to actually believe what i have to say rather than acknowledge and sort of pretend... i know because i've done it to other ppl who have told me the same things...
just well... first, you're not alone in your struggles... {{hugz}}
and also, if there are things that you keep doing despite the negative things you feel associated with those things just shows how much you love doing it and are willing to put up with stuff because you love it and it makes you happy... (sorry for the rambling by the way, i'm sleepy) and you know... i think it's just that everything is going to have a negative view to it... that's just life, and you can't let things like that to keep you from that which you love and/or brings you happiness...
anyway... i think i just sort of rambled on and i'm not sure that it makes sense... but you know what? don't worry about being 'weird' or let it get you down... because, first, everyone is 'weird' in their own way, and second... is it necessarily bad to stay conscious of that which you don't like? another way of looking at it is that 'most' people simply are becoming desensitized to the point that they don't care anymore... is that actually good?
some other things to think about...
hope you feel better...
~dark angel~