odd evening
Nov. 15th, 2004 02:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancingyelwent salsa dancing instead of doing homework...it was much fun, and i discovered that when salseros dip you, they hold your head. it's a silly thing to notice, but ballroom dancers would never do that, so it's a huge difference. abe said that it's 'cause ballroom dancers expect you to hold yourself up, while salseros don't, so they'll hold your head. it's odd but nice. heh. i felt protected. but yeah, i had a good time...haven't done a lot of social dancing lately, so it was good to get out there again. i have so much to learn about following salsa, though. arms and spins and such...people complimented me, but it was with a sense of "oh, you've never danced social salsa before? you're doing really well!" so yeah. i wanna do this more!
so even though i had a good itme, i still kept feeling very unsure of myself and...i dunno...somehow undesirable, i guess. it's weird, the ups and downs i have with my self-esteem. i guess the issues never really go away, they just either hide beneath surface or come up, and this is the "coming up" phase. i'm sure i'll be over it in a short time, but right now i'm in an odd place...happy but also vaguely miserable, if that makes the slightest sense. i keep thinking that i wish i had a boyfriend, but really, that wouldn't solve anything. i need to get over my own issues first, not inflict them on another person.
the odd thing is, it's not just dance that i feel this way about. dance is a big contributor, along with body image, but even with stuff like grad schools and things, i still doubt myself. like, i know i'm a good student and fairly intelligent, but i don't think i'm good enough for a lot of the programs i'm applying to and i feel like my profs over-estimate me. i'm sure they're more objective than i am, but i still feel like they see only one side of me, the studious girl who does well...they don't see the procrastination and laziness and the other faults that prevent me from being as good a student as i could probably be. i'm lucky that i pick things up quickly...i don't have enough patience to spend long periods of time on stuff, so if i didn't learn this fast, i just wouldn't do well in school.
so yeah, general self-doubt and whiny-ness and elaine being silly. i'm not sure what it would take to convince me that i really am good at the things people say i'm good at and all. i think with dance, even if i had made comp proper, i would've still doubted my right to be there. i feel like i'm gonna go through my whole life playing the part of a good student, good psychologist, good whatever i need to be, but never really believe it myself.
what is wrong with me? i'm not even pms-ing, and i'm in a really weird mood. meh. i should go to bed.
so even though i had a good itme, i still kept feeling very unsure of myself and...i dunno...somehow undesirable, i guess. it's weird, the ups and downs i have with my self-esteem. i guess the issues never really go away, they just either hide beneath surface or come up, and this is the "coming up" phase. i'm sure i'll be over it in a short time, but right now i'm in an odd place...happy but also vaguely miserable, if that makes the slightest sense. i keep thinking that i wish i had a boyfriend, but really, that wouldn't solve anything. i need to get over my own issues first, not inflict them on another person.
the odd thing is, it's not just dance that i feel this way about. dance is a big contributor, along with body image, but even with stuff like grad schools and things, i still doubt myself. like, i know i'm a good student and fairly intelligent, but i don't think i'm good enough for a lot of the programs i'm applying to and i feel like my profs over-estimate me. i'm sure they're more objective than i am, but i still feel like they see only one side of me, the studious girl who does well...they don't see the procrastination and laziness and the other faults that prevent me from being as good a student as i could probably be. i'm lucky that i pick things up quickly...i don't have enough patience to spend long periods of time on stuff, so if i didn't learn this fast, i just wouldn't do well in school.
so yeah, general self-doubt and whiny-ness and elaine being silly. i'm not sure what it would take to convince me that i really am good at the things people say i'm good at and all. i think with dance, even if i had made comp proper, i would've still doubted my right to be there. i feel like i'm gonna go through my whole life playing the part of a good student, good psychologist, good whatever i need to be, but never really believe it myself.
what is wrong with me? i'm not even pms-ing, and i'm in a really weird mood. meh. i should go to bed.
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Know Thyself
Date: 2004-11-15 03:10 am (UTC)I know I have a hard time accepting complements. I know that people say complements to be nice, reassuring, or even just to express their feelings. On top of that, most people do not give complements that they don't believe themselves. You've heard of white lies, but what about white (or would it be black?) complements? Not so much. Anyway, when someone complements me, many times my first reaction is to deny it. Kevin would point this out, and after that I started getting better at not vocalizing it, but it's still my reaction, and I'm not really sure why. I think it has to do with me second guessing everything, complements not being an exception.
This ties into your comment about how you think you aren't a good student just because you procrastinate. But, I think that's just a symptom of being able to find something wrong with anything if you think hard enough. Since when does being a good, or great, or amazing student have anything to do with putting 100% of your effort 100% of the time into being a student. Everything in moderation, as my mom always says to me, and that everything is all-inclusive - it doesn't exclude things that are looked highly upon.
Finally, I'm going to comment on a specific passage from your post:
if i didn't learn this fast, i just wouldn't do well in school.
The fact is that you do learn that fast, and more importantly, you know how quickly you can learn. I take pride in the fact that I know my limits - I know how much time I need to leave myself to complete a project, and I know how much I have to do to learn something. And think about this - if you didn't learn that fast, maybe you would put more importance on spending more time learning, and so you would be doing just as well in school. However, since it's not necessary, you can actually do more with your time, whatever it may be, and so you're being more productive (even if it's just relieving stress), and thus better, because you're managing your time well. Everyone has gifts, and you shouldn't be ashamed of the ones that you have.
I hope this was at least a little bit reassuring :)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-15 09:27 am (UTC)Confidence will come, truly. And think of it this way, lots of the good stuff is not about you as a person, it's about what you're doing, how you're conveying. As for professors, they really like it when people learn what they're trying to teach, they don't care if it's easy or hard, they just want to succeed in their task ;-)