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musings on a thursday afternoon
Oct. 17th, 2002 01:40 pmso i was thinking about random things yesterday as i was falling asleep, and today, i remembered some of them and went on thinking. most of these have nothing to do with anything...just stuff that's on my mind randomly.
so i go back and forth on whether or not i like the fact that people tend to think of me as sweet and open. i mean, it's nice, but it doesn't seem to be worth much, other than amusement because i'll say random things and be hyper or whatever i feel like being. this particular train of thought was prompted by the dance on sunday, when cin and i were really hyper and going a little insane, and the guys (sam joe, sam from dancing, kevin, and sometimes jon) just sat there and blinked at us in amusement. it wasn't a bad thing...but it just made me think about how others see me. i dunno.
i was also thinking yesterday, and last week, that it's about time to let go of high school illusions re: ralph (if you don't know, ask and i may tell you). i mean, i always knew he wasn't all that perfect (unlike cin! hehehe...j/k) but there was still something about him. last week, though, i was so disappointed in him...and yesterday i realized that i didn't really care anymore and that ralph is overrated. so there. and right on cue as i wrote that, fastball's "out of my head" came on. cin knows why that has anything to do with it.
"Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication.
It was hard to find.
Don't matter what I say only what I do.
I never mean to do bad things to you.
So quiet but I finally woke up.
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too."
that song actually applies to my life, too. sound familiar, anyone? i guess a lot of us are guilty of that at one time or another. no matter how hard i try, not everything can go right. and no, nothing has happened to make me think of this...just a thought.
it's funny how life throws things at you...one day, it's all one way, and the next day it changes. everything seems like a whirlwind...i find myself overwhelmed with all the possibilities and variations. there are always so many choices to make. i hope i know what the right ones are.
one of the saddest things is to feel like you're moving beautifully and gracefully and doing everything right but to know that you really aren't and that you don't look all that wonderful. it's so weird...inside, i feel like evrything is good...but i know that if i were to look up at myself, i'd see a dancer who can't really dance. and no, it's not low self-esteem. it's called realism. i may not be the most confident person around, but i'm usually fairly realistic about myself.
number of phone calls i've gotten this quarter from people who aren't my family/an officer of the club calling on business/family friends needing info about ucsd/math group people/people calling me back because i called them: six. one from bevan about making it onto the v-ball team (woohoo!), one from toly randomly, one from vic chu about going to a movie, one from david to say hello, and two (i think) from sam joe about random things. pathetic and sad. i used to be such a phone person! what happened?
so i go back and forth on whether or not i like the fact that people tend to think of me as sweet and open. i mean, it's nice, but it doesn't seem to be worth much, other than amusement because i'll say random things and be hyper or whatever i feel like being. this particular train of thought was prompted by the dance on sunday, when cin and i were really hyper and going a little insane, and the guys (sam joe, sam from dancing, kevin, and sometimes jon) just sat there and blinked at us in amusement. it wasn't a bad thing...but it just made me think about how others see me. i dunno.
i was also thinking yesterday, and last week, that it's about time to let go of high school illusions re: ralph (if you don't know, ask and i may tell you). i mean, i always knew he wasn't all that perfect (unlike cin! hehehe...j/k) but there was still something about him. last week, though, i was so disappointed in him...and yesterday i realized that i didn't really care anymore and that ralph is overrated. so there. and right on cue as i wrote that, fastball's "out of my head" came on. cin knows why that has anything to do with it.
"Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication.
It was hard to find.
Don't matter what I say only what I do.
I never mean to do bad things to you.
So quiet but I finally woke up.
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too."
that song actually applies to my life, too. sound familiar, anyone? i guess a lot of us are guilty of that at one time or another. no matter how hard i try, not everything can go right. and no, nothing has happened to make me think of this...just a thought.
it's funny how life throws things at you...one day, it's all one way, and the next day it changes. everything seems like a whirlwind...i find myself overwhelmed with all the possibilities and variations. there are always so many choices to make. i hope i know what the right ones are.
one of the saddest things is to feel like you're moving beautifully and gracefully and doing everything right but to know that you really aren't and that you don't look all that wonderful. it's so weird...inside, i feel like evrything is good...but i know that if i were to look up at myself, i'd see a dancer who can't really dance. and no, it's not low self-esteem. it's called realism. i may not be the most confident person around, but i'm usually fairly realistic about myself.
number of phone calls i've gotten this quarter from people who aren't my family/an officer of the club calling on business/family friends needing info about ucsd/math group people/people calling me back because i called them: six. one from bevan about making it onto the v-ball team (woohoo!), one from toly randomly, one from vic chu about going to a movie, one from david to say hello, and two (i think) from sam joe about random things. pathetic and sad. i used to be such a phone person! what happened?
