crises galore, but that's ok

so life has gotten the better of me these days...the last couple of weeks really, but i'm doing better now. to a point. summary: stress, stress, stress. team travel stuff, especially vegas, is really stressing me out, to the point of panic and crying about it last week, then panic again this week. it's mostly resolved now, but i'm afraid to be too optimistic in fears that something will once again go wrong. at one point, as we were driving up to sfo, i had the thought that i just don't wanna be dancing, simply to not deal with all the insanity. it was an irrational thought, i know, and it passed fairly quickly, but it gives you an idea of my state of mind over the last week and a bit.

i spent the last two quarters not really stressing over anything, and suddenly, the first week of spring quarter and everything is off. the dance stuff i just talked about, then there are classes, which seem nearly unmanageable at this point. papers and homework and papers and more homework and tons of reading and more papers...and lab, to top it all off. i think that once travel stuff is over, i'll be calmer about it all, but at this point, i feel like i won't be able to handle 26 units, on top of dance, on top of work. i don't know...hopefully, it'll figure itself out. but of course, as soon as travel is done, midterms kick in and the insanity begins again. must figure out ways of destressing...baths are great, but i don't often have the time to actually take one without worrying that i should be doing something else. i feel like that's all i'm doing...i'm either doing something, or i'm worrying that i should be doing something and i'm not. really not a good way to be. blah.

and then there are more stressors...the roomie has said like 30 words to me in the last 2 days, and i don't know what's wrong and i'm afraid i've done something to horribly offend her or some such, but i have no idea what. < slightly hysterical>roomie! what did i do? did i fail you somehow? talk to me! please! pretty please!< /slightly hysterical> and yes, i'm a geek, why do you ask? but yeah, i don't know what's wrong...we don't see each other a whole lot because of schedules and stuff, but i feel really distant from her and it's sad and distressing and i don't know what to do. help!

and then there are just my own crazy messed up thoughts that take me in circles and stress me out. random stuff, like feeling lonely and wanting a boyfriend, which is a bad mood to get into. or feeling lonley and wanting a make-out buddy, which is an even worse mood to get into. blah. not feeling rational lately. not that i'm ever really rational, but it's been worse lately.

drive to sfo was really cool, though. so was all of sfo, but i really like the drive up 'cause i got to spend time chatting with kevin and tony, and it just felt like a very safe place to talk, say whatever i wanted. dunno why i haven't felt like i have a place like that recently, but i just haven't, not for a while, until the drive. thanks, guys (kevin, mostly, since tony a)doesn't read this and b)was asleep for a huge portion of the time). good weekend, too, with friends and family and relaxation, all they way 'till monday, when i came back and had to deal with idiots again. but that's mostly settled, thankfully.

when i was going to the airport, from home, i suddenly felt really sad, wanted to cry. i haven't felt that way when i leave home since the first time i left for college and my mom was crying. mostly, i've been quite happy to go back to school, my own life. but yesterday, i didn't want to leave. just felt like staying there, hiding away from school and responsibility and real life. i miss my grandparents...i'm so afraid they're gonna die soon and i won't have spent enough time with them. i'll never be able to spend enough time with them, i think, and then i wonder, "what's enough time?" there's really no such thing, but i'm worrying about it. yeah, stupid.

ok, i think i'll go now...i need to get food and go to dancing and hopefully get out of the funk. bleh.