dancingyel | i hate being sick (Reply)

i'm not feeling all that well today, and since i'm going to a 3-day, 60 mile walk on friday, i decided to stay home today and rest up in hopes that whatever is bothering me will go away before then. this is all well and good, since i got to read and rest and relax, but there's one small problem. i also had lots and lots of time to think, which is not always a good thing. so today, being the weirdo i am, i decided to read through my real journal and my lj and just remember all the things that happened since last summer. of course, i already had a little trip down memory lane a couple of weeks ago, but this time, i didn't ignore the negative stuff like i did then. which brings me to these thoughts. are good memories worth remembering if they lead to bad and painful ones? how long can something hurt? there are things i remember that still make me cry...some of them are happy memories that are now, in retrospect, tinged with sadness...but some are actual sad memories. i remember so many details...too many, probably, for my own good. but i wouldn't have it any other way. sam says i'm a person of contradictions, and i suppose that's true sometimes. i do things that i know will hurt me later...i remember the sad things even when i know i don't want to...but along with that, i remember good things, too...i'm not sure if that makes it worth it, though.

more thoughts from this day of thinking: i hate it when people (my mom and grandma and some of my friends) try to convince me that i'm "hot." of course, my mom doesn't do it straight out...she says things like, "if you...(lost weight, did something to my hair, etc.) you'd be very beautiful." but all the same, i hate it. i know i'm not all that gorgeous, and i also know that i'm not ugly. i sometimes gripe about not being the kind of girl that turns heads, but in general, i'm more or less content with my appearance. so why is it that when i gripe, people feel compelled to lie to me, even when i know they're lying? it's quite annoying, really.

in other news, massage class is really cool and lots of fun. it also takes some skill in areas other than massage...for example, if you're modest, you need to know how to change in and out of your clothes under a very thin sheet in a room with 20 people. camping skills (changing in a sleeping bag) come in quite handy.