question for everyone!

[dancingyel]

everyone! there's a question in bold at the end of this entry. answer it! i want to know what you all think! the whole entry is basically a build-up to it.

i'm listening to "you belong to me" from the shrek soundtrack, by jason wade. it's such a sad song, so plaintive almost. i don't remember if i posted the lyrics before, but in any case, here they are.

See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember, darling all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so lonesome without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

I'll be so lonesome without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

i remember having a conversation with a friend about this song, and he was saying he didn't really like the lyrics because they seem so possesive, with the whole you belong to me thing. but i think it's normal, feeling this way about someone you care about. sure, it's a little possesive, but think about it. if your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other of some sort were to go away on this exciting trip to all these cool places, wouldn't you want her/him to remember who they were coming back home to? even if they're not going somewhere super far and exciting, you still want them to remember you and not be seduced by someone new. that's what i think at least, but maybe since i've never been in a relationship over a month, and even that one was an odd one (poor dan), i could be wrong. so, what do you all think? Is the song above too possesive, or is it realistic to want your whoever (boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other) to remember that even when they're somewhere far away from you, they're still "yours?" Discuss in comments, please!

Comments

Belonging

[maddancingfool.livejournal.com]

There's an interesting question here having to do with the way we view people. In our language, we always talk about people and things in 'possessive' ways. She's MY friend, MY girlfriend, MY mother. The more personal the attachment, the more possessive we are. You can say, 'she's a friend', but you're probably not likely to say 'she's a girlfriend'... its a much more personal and individual thing.

So what is being questioned here seems to be the changing of the statement 'remember you're my girlfriend' to 'remember you belong to me'. Both are possessive, but both make sense in our language and I'm not sure you can come up with a non-possessive way of viewing the situation. Does 'you belong to me' imply a greater degree of imposition than 'you are my girlfriend'? It seems like it might, but why?

A final thing to consider is: is being possessive in some way inherently bad? I like owning my own clothes. I don't think I'd be comfortable only having a community set of clothes, though I don't mind if you want to borrow something for a while. This seems like an off the wall example, but its a real issue. I doubt many people would argue that it is wrong to want your girlfriend to not sleep with everyone on the block; but that inherently implies some possessiveness, doesn't it? When does possessiveness become 'wrong'? It seems like possessiveness might become wrong when the other person feels limited by it, but then being upset over affairs would be being 'overly possessive'. What is too possessive then?
This doesn't seem like a simple question, so it deserves some more discussion.

As an aside, I don't think the song is 'too possessive', I think some people may assign more meaning to 'you belong to me' than is necessarily intented.

-Kevin

Re: Belonging

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

this isn't really a response to what you wrote since i've already talked to you about it, but i thought i'd leave it as a comment here anyways. so the guy i went out with tonight, mike, was asking me what i did today and i told him that i danced and then had a really long conversation with a friend (meaning you) and he said something like, "it's nice to have friends you can talk about anything with, for hours at a time" and it's true, it really is nice. so thank you for being one of those friends.

[waccoonie71.livejournal.com]

no, not too possessive. but then, this coming from me, where our group assigns people to other people (e.g. frodo's sam, as opposed to my sam.)

you're my elaine. the only one who can bring me pleasure. hahahhaha j/k. my goodness, did i just post that on your lj???

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

hehehe...cindy, cindy. yes, dear, you did just post that on my lj...i'd suggest screening the comment, but it's too late. ;) and i love your little example with sams. remind me to thank you when you get back. for what? i'll tell you then.

three letters: sos

[slamjoe.livejournal.com]

sorry to leave it at that for now (don't you love cliffhangers?), but I'll reply when I get back from arizona!

Re: three letters: sos

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

cliffhangers..wonderful. i'll be looking forward to your reply.

[earlgrayteahot.livejournal.com]

1) there is nothing wrong with "possessing" as merely a true statement of a situation. we learn the possessive in grammar structures (my girlfriend, ma petite amie, wo de nu peng you), and it seems to be a perfectly reasonable way of describing a variety of healthy situations.

2) "you belong to me" and "you're my girlfriend" don't convey drastically different facts, but the former does open itself to more implications and meanings. Kids label things, "_______ belongs to (kid's name in capital letters)" The use of "you belong to me" as a statement to a person seems to leave out the other's free choice to belong to me, i.e. "you choose/chose to be mine". That is the difference between clothes belonging to me, pets belonging to me, and people "belonging" to me. Clothes have no choice in the matter, being inanimate objects. Pets to a large degree have no choice in the matter, but they are far more amiable to the situation if I am kind to them and take care of them. A person should have the right to fully choose who she wants to belong to, and if she is one of my "possessions", it is only because she chooses to be. If she does choose to be, both of us should know what that entails at the beginning of the arrangement. Otherwise one or both parties are tragically blind. (If I speak coldly, it is only to maximize clarity.)

3) though I can't speak from personal experience, I imagine that I do not need to remind someone that she "belongs to me" if I actually believe that she belongs to me. More likely, I would remind myself that she chooses to give herself to me. A more loving, (and in my mind, more effective) way to remind someone of the mutually possesive relationship would be to say, "I belong to you. I give myself to you. I am yours. Always know this." In the context of the song, something more to the effect of, "remember I'm here for you. You can count on me. I'll be waiting for you." Having to remind someone that she belongs to you indicates to me some deeper issue that needs to be addressed, either a need to possess (instead of gratefully receiving) or a fear that she indeed does not belong to you.

4) Having said all that, I know Jason Wade is a thoughtful lyricist, and the song sounds more like a lament (re: fear that she does or will not belong to him) than a letter or message to the other. Mistakes, confusion, tragedy ... happen. As an interesting contrast, compare with Train's "Drops of Jupiter", which is full of a lot of cheesy or nonsensical metaphors, but still conveys an acknowledgement of letting those you love find themselves, tinged with a slight fear that they may have outgrown you.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

i know i've talked to you about most of this, but just as a thought, i think i would be comforted to be reminded that i "belong" to someone, even when i'm far away. i know that can be expressed in other ways, like just saying "i'm here for you" or something like that, but the sense of belonging, not like a possession, but like knowing where your place is, is a nice feeling.

I belong to God

[(Anonymous)]

When God tells us we belong to Him, I don't think it's constricting and needy and I don't think God is warning me away from flirting with other gods. Instead, it means something different. Let me try a less destructive interpretation: if something precious belongs to you, you have a responsibility to take care of it. God gave us stewardship over the Earth and its animals - a partial ownership that also implies responsibility and good management. God also gave us to each other. When we belong to each other and make a commitment to a relationship 'through sickness and health,' we commit to caring for each other, not to clinging parasitically.
When the singer talks about his darling visiting Egypt or wet jungles, I hear him saying that even when she visits wild, untamed places and feels no human connection, she is still connected to him across the distance because he cares about what happens to her and looks forward to her homecoming. He misses her and hopes she feels the same connection, making it a mutual belonging.
Orphans Oliver and Annie express the desire to belong to someone in their eponymous musicals, and it resonates in all of us. To love someone and be loved - that is belonging.
Emily

Re: I belong to God

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

wow, emily. that's a beatiful way of expressing belonging. i'll write a longer response or talk to you about it later, but i just had to comment right now.