(no subject)

[dancingyel]

so what i said about updating later, when i needed a break? i lied. i'm not doing homework, but i have a feeling that if i don't update at least a little now, i'm not gonna settle down and do the homework, so for the sake of my mental well-being, here's a brief update. warning: it'll be fairly vague, just 'cause i'm trying to be fair and not just think of myself, too.

so, in case someone out there still doesn't know, the last couple of weeks have been super stressful for me, due to travel stuff for the team. because of that, i haven't paid a lot of attention to school stuff, and i have a hw set due tomorrow, which means several hours of work tonight, on top of dance practice and phone calls i have to make and work and packing and lab stuff to finish. basically, not a good day, even if there were no further complications. and then, there's the added stuff that came up yesterday, with next year's living arrangements that are now in jeopardy and all the emotional stuff that goes with that. i'm trying really hard not to think about it, at least until after vegas, but i don't know if that's possible. i hate not knowing what's going on...i would always rather have a negative answer so that i can start dealing with it than hoping for a positive answer but being in a state of uncertainty. i don't know if that made sense in the way i want it to, but there it is. and that's not to say that i'd rather have a negative answer now instead of waiting and being uncertain but having a positive answer later...it's just that for me, it's easier to handle bad than unknown. at least i'm dancing so much at vegas that it's unlikely that i'll have time to think much about the situation.

i think what's making this so hard, besides the fact that it comes on top of other stress, is the fact that it hits on so many of my issues, stuff that affects all my personal relationships. the old religion issue...that's one that comes and bites me every so often, with different friends and in different contexts. and then, there's the needing people thing, where i'm always the one that needs other people more than they need me, and that sucks. and i know, i wouldn't be myself if i didn't need people so much...it's a personality thing, but i do wish i could change it. i've gotten better in terms of needing approval, but i still need people to talk to and be around and all that, much more than most of them need me. blah. not happy.

so that's a summary of the issues, deliberately vague. i may post more later, depending on how i feel about it and depending on what conversations i have today. but on a happy note, i'm learning, mostly from the chris situation, to trust that everything that happens is for the best...so hopefully, this situation is, too. it's funny, but i'm super glad i didn't get involved with him now that i'm seeing the whole heather thing. i'm still not too happy with the way it all happened, but that's a whole other problem. yep.

Comments

[avirr.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're in a number of hard situations, just remember that it doesn't have to be perfect, or even solved. Things change, and you can let them. Be kind to yourself. <3

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and stresed out, but I know it'll pass eventually. I feel like such a child, though...the overwhelming though is "it's just not fair!"