bad start to the day

i need a car of my own, i really really do.

what if...

what if i don't become a doctor? what if i decide that i'd rather go into somatics, or massage, or energy work? what if i decide to go study somewhere else, such as the hebrew university in LA? what if i change my mind completely and do something different? i wonder if i could be happy doing something other than psychiatry, seeing how my dream was always to be a doctor. at the same time, i wonder if i'll be happy as a doctor. i'd love to be a psychiatrist and incorporate massage and energy work into my practice, but my mom says, "can psychiatrists do that?" i think they can, if they have their own private practice, but i'm not sure how accepted it would be. a mix of psychological and hands-on counseling is more in the realm of somatics...but i don't know if i'd ever do that. bother. sometimes, it sucks to have a solid plan for the future. if i didn't know what i wanted to do, i could do anything. but, since i've always wanted to be a doctor, if i don't become one, my whole family will be disappointed, and i might be, too. nothing is ever certain...with every new thing i learn or read or do, my world changes a bit and new possibilities present themselves. if only i could do it all...

i am not a leg person

we did back of legs and glutes in massage class today and now i'm really out of it and tired and tense, not relaxed at all. i don't like having my legs worked on very much, and i really didn't like the class. i didn't like the instructor in charge of it, since he put me to sleep with his slow, monotonous way of talking, and i didn't like being worked on. i'm ok massaging someone's legs, but when i'm worked on, i don't get particularly relaxed. it's weird...all my other hang-ups went away after the class, but this one didn't. i just don't feel very safe or comfy having my legs worked on, and it was worse with the back than the front. i dunno. i'll have to take that class again, with a teacher that i like, so hopefully, i'll get over my problems by then...and if not, then maybe i'll feel better about it if someone from class practices on me or something. yeah,i know, it's an odd little issue...but i'm full of those.

in other news, i had a nice time wandering around fisherman's wharf with sam today. it was a nice day...sunny, breezy, and just comfy. i like the wharf a lot...i don't get to go out there enough. i may go again on saturday to see the street performers...but only if i find someone to go with, since i don't think i'd enjoy it by myself.

rachel is coming tomorrow...happy!