suddenly, the up and down thing makes sense

[dancingyel]

so, the last few days haven't been that great. partly, it's cause i have a cold and allergies all at once, and my tummy is being unhappy on top of that, so being physically unhappy has made everything else worse. but being sick doesn't really explain why i miss my friends so much more this week than last week, or why i'm missing davidturtle so much more than i have been over the past month. what does explain it, i think, is timing. when i just moved here, i was super busy with everything, but i was also so intensely sad, that being busy only helped somewhat. then, the sadness got better, but i was still so very busy that i more or less stopped feeling sad except for at random times. i was so overwhelmed with school and arranging my life here that i didn't have time to dwell on being unhappy except for a few down moments. now, even though i'm busy with classes and research and all that good stuff, i'm less overwhelmed by it. it's not so new, i've figured out how to juggle most of it, and it's just getting more manageable. so, of course, the sad has time to come out. presumably, now i just need to wait it out so that the sad becomes less salient than the busy again, and then it'll all be better!

so yes, that's my theory. it's all a matter of which mood outweighs the other. it didn't help that dance sucked on monday, or that a scary professor got me very discouraged about being in grad school all together, but i really do think it's a matter of timing, and once i get a little less sick and a little more busy, the sad will fade into the background again.

Comments

[coolhandamanda.livejournal.com]

What scary professor? What did they say??

For whatever it's worth, I remember feeling that same way first semester. Once you're settled in, it's like there's not quite enough stuff to keep your mind off the other stuff.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

Lee came and spoke at our clinical brown bag, and she was really scary! She went on and no about how you're supposed to be totally obsessive about your research and how you're not gonna succeed otherwise...and also time management and how we should be super busy. And I'm not as busy as all that, so I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong already, plus I'm not so obsessive about my research...I like what I'm doing, but I like plenty of other things besides! So yeah. I feel better about it today, but on Monday, I was really discouraged.

It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy, though, and that you felt similarly. It's weird for me to be so up and down...I tend to be a relatively happy person, so I'm really not enjoying myself this way.

[coolhandamanda.livejournal.com]

Boo on her. I remember she said similar stuff when she came to our brown bag, and I too felt awful afterward. Then I realized that (a) that's just her opinion (which a lot of other faculty here don't share), and (b) most people I've talked to agree that she's a little off her rocker.

[linley.livejournal.com]

I think that your analysis is pretty good. I too have found that I've been in a better mood when I've been busy with distractions (fun, social ones are better, but being crazy with work has also helped at times). I also think it's important to let yourself feel the sadness sometimes, so that you're able to process your emotions. That said, being up and down sucks, and I'm looking forward to being on a more even keel at some point in the future.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

I agree, letting myself feel sad is useful sometimes. If I was completely happy this whole time, I think I'd be concerned, really. Still, I'm also looking forward to being more constant in my moods. It's getting there, but so very slowly!

[paisleychick.livejournal.com]

Sorry scary professor was giving you the scare tactics like that. Sometimes I think that's just what they do. I was totally intimidated by my art history adviser at university and told him that to his face. He apologized, he said he didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable, but that's just how our dynamic was. I switched advisers and while the next adviser was hard, I wasn't scared walking into her office and chatting with her. I know there's less leeway in grad school for this kind of stuff. Good luck and keep your outside interests.

I'm sorry you're going up and down with mood swings, but I think that it's to be a bit expected. You've made some drastic life changes and even if *you made* them, they're still hard to go through.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that the scary prof isn't my advisor, just a random faculty person! It's good to hear that other people (particularly ones like you, who I respect greatly) have had similar intimidation issues...nice to know I'm not the only one.

In some ways, it's nice to know why I'm having mood swings, but I still wish I didn't have them! Heh. Hopefully, they'll calm down soon.

[stellae.livejournal.com]

I had an advisor for one project who made me cry approximately every other time I went to meet with him. And I'm still battling with feeling pressure to essentially sell my soul to grad school and wanting to maintain a balanced life.

I think, though, that the reason professors are scary in that way is that they know that your average grad student has been used to a lot of hard deadlines... and grad school has fewer of them, so if you're not a motivated self-starter and don't stay that way, then it's very easy to get lost. *hugs* to you... try not to let your inner overachiever make you feel perpetually guilty that you're not as busy and as stressed as someone seems to think you should be.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

Ouch, silly advisor. No one has made me cry yet, but I'm sure it'll happen at some point. It's practically a grad school tradition, right? Heh.

It's true, though, about the lack of deadlines. I have some, but not many, so I definitely have to motivate myself. Thing is, I think I can do that ok, and this silly prof things she needs to scare us into doing it. Ah, well.

[msilverstar]

I think your analysis is good, and you will feel better soon. *big hugs*

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

*cuddles* I do feel better already...I'll probably get back to feeling down again, before it gets completely better, but I think I can mostly handle it. IT's nice to have a venue to rant in, though!

[kragen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. Your grief is totally legitimate, but it won't cripple you, and it won't always be so deep.

Maybe the scary professor has a stricter definition of "succeed" than you do? Maybe you can ask her about it? Certainly the majority of grad students don't "succeed" in the sense of getting a tenure-track job, getting tenure or winning a Nobel or equivalent. But maybe that's not what you're looking for.

If it is what you're looking for, though, then remember that you can't measure your level of obsession against that of the other grad students; you have to measure it against that of the few grad students who will "succeed" in whatever sense you're looking for.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

You're right, I don't think I'm looking for the same thing this prof was looking for as a grad student. She's tenure-track faculty, but that's not what I want...and I think for what I want, I'm on a good track.

I know I'll be less sad and emotional, but I wish it was now! Heh, I'm just impatient, that's all.