quick question

[dancingyel]

how do you bring up serious relationship topics without being all scary and making the other person think something is wrong? 'cause i have some things i want to discuss with the boy, but i'm not sure how to start the conversation in a normal, non-scary fashion. i also don't want to pretend to "accidentally" stumble on the topic, which is a tactic that often works, but is really not what i'm going for here.

Comments

[kryscat]

I'm really bad at bringing things up. Mostly I find it hard to just spit it out at all. It's not that I say things poorly, just hard to start. That's just me though.

Perhaps saying something along the lines of wanting to check in periodically on the relationship and how you're both feeling about it/envisioning it. Communication is absolutely key in any healthy relationship, and you shouldn't let yourself be inhibited from bringing up any issue you feel needs discussion. I don't know what it is that you want to discuss, but actually scheduling such things works for some people. *shrug* I don't know. Rob and I tend to be almost scarily on the same page with most things, but we do check in and discuss things when either of us feels the need.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

i'm similarly bad at bringing things up, at least in a direct way. i tend to wind around topics for too long, which makes it seem more like something is wrong when it really isn't. i don't think scheduling would work for me, since it feels way too formal, but you're right, wanting to check in periodically is a good way to start a conversation. thanks for the advice!

[eviladmin.livejournal.com]

I think starting off by saying nothing is wrong, but there are some things that need to be discussed to make sure that both of you are thinking the same thing isn't too scary. Sending the strong message that there is nothing wrong is a good start to making it less scary since that tends to be the conclusion jumped to....

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

it's sad that the thought of having a serious conversation makes people think something is wrong! i do it, too, but it's such a silly thing! but yeah, you're right...i definitely should emphasize that nothing is wrong and i just want to have a focused conversation.

[myrn.livejournal.com]

What I would probably do is just avoid the topic all together. Wait, no, that's not helpful at all. ahem.
What I would probably do is come up with a way to ask the pertinent question in a single sentence that takes less than 10 seconds to say. Then just say it (ask it?). And then before he can answer it or even get too confused, you can do the normal ease-into-the-topic thing, only he won't be nervous cause he already knows what the question is!
or, perhaps a more useful suggestion is to remember that even if the topic is serious, you're still allowed to smile.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

hehehe...oh, thomas. you're always good at cracking me up. yes, smiling is a good thing...i probably get too intense when i'm focused on something, so yeah, remembering to smile is good. i'm not sure i have any idea what you mean by the ask question in a single sentence thing, but that's ok. *hugs*

[newerabooks.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see what he's saying. If you take too long, the other person will either get confused and tune out or think they understand the gist of it and jump to conclusions. People try to read the meaning under the words, which is what you're concerned about, so don't use enough words to give him a running chance at preemptive analysis. Use just enough to get the idea across, then switch to explaining and reassuring.
Helpful? No?

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

ah, that makes a lot more sense. that's a good point...giving a short summary and then explaining the details is a v. good plan. definitely helpful!

[waccoonie71.livejournal.com]

it's like writing a paper for hum...thesis first, then explain away for the next 7 pages...only there's really only about two pages' worth of stuff to say, but what with all the winding around and using big words it turns out to be much longer. hence the necessity of a thesis statement. and a conclusion paragraph that you can just skip to.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

hehehe...oh, cin. that's such a great analogy! you dork! *hugs* i haven't thought about hum papers in a very long time.

[bouncyweee.livejournal.com]

You just do it. Just say it, in normal conversation. And let him know exactly what a deal it is before hand. EG: This isn't huge deal, but it's something on my mind, so blahblahblahblahblah. add an articulate disclaimer, and then just lauch into it. being nervous about how someone will take something can often be mistaken for being nervous about the actual subject. and keep a good face. No matter the seriousness of your subject, if it's not meant to be worrisome, just make that clear, don't be nervous. But if you are nervous, let him know that too. Honesty. yay.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

yeah, you're right re: disclaimer. like eviladmin said, i need to send a strong message that nothing is wrong, i just want to bring something up. i tend to say things like, "random thought..." but this isn't so much a random thought, so that doesn't feel right. i just need to come up with a good disclaimer now.

yay for useful advice!

[glowingwhispers.livejournal.com]

Start by bringing it up in a public post, have him read it and then ask about it?


In truth, I tend to like to prepare the other person and me. Like -- there's some stuff I'd like to talk about, when's a good time for you? I then often come in with a few key words jotted down on a piece of paper so I can make sure I cover everything i'd like to.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

heh. that would work if he read ljs. he knows i have one, but i don't think he's ever actually visited it...i'm fairly certain he has the url, but i don't think it's ever occured to him to read it, as far as i know.

the thing i worry about with saying something like that is that it's too easy to have a statement like, "there's something i'd like to talk about" be interpreted to mean "something's wrong and needs to be dealt with." i guess i just need to come up with a strong disclaimer to make sure that doesn't happen. the key words thing is a really good idea, though, 'cause knowing me, i'd miss something completely and then have to figure out how to get back on serious topics all over again.

[zestyping.livejournal.com]

I'll second that. Being ready for the conversation is important. Because these kinds of conversations involve more sensitive matters, there are potentially bigger risks to normally small things like someone misunderstanding what is said, or being distracted, or just having a bad day.

I tend to be not so good at this, since if there's something that's really bothering me i'll often just let it out. Sometimes i'll remember to preface it with a check to see if my partner is ready to talk now. It doesn't take long for someone to become close enough to me that i'll just tell them whatever i'm thinking. I suppose the positive side of this is that you can have some confidence that i'm not secretly harbouring bad feelings.

Anyway, i'd say: make yourself a note, ask if your partner is ready, and if he is (or when he is), just start to explain what you're thinking about, with the note on hand in case you forget something. If you both really are ready, you won't have to worry about saying everything perfectly, because there will be plenty of time to work out together what each of you really have in mind.

[dancingyel.livejournal.com]

i see your point in terms of being ready for a conversation and not just blurting things out. it's a little like the sometimes mistaken assumption that when you're very close to someone, you can say whatever you want to them. the problem is, when you're very close to someone, that's when you can hurt them the most, so that's when you have to be the most careful in what you say, and, more importantly, how you say it. i guess the thing that worries me is the balance between this sort of advance warning thing but also not making the conversation seem bigger than it is.

the nice thing is, we've already talked about some of the things i meant for us to talk about, just because they came up in other conversations we were having...so i have not as many things to worry about. so that's happy.